The Art of the Thank-You Note

Why a few handwritten words can mean so much.

I have a confession to make. I have always dreaded writing thank-you notes.

And that probably sounds strange coming from someone who has built an entire business around handwritten correspondence. But it is true.

It isn't that I don't feel grateful. I do. Sometimes I feel so grateful that I put even more pressure on myself to find exactly the right words. I worry that I'll leave something out or that what I write won't sound sincere enough. I worry about my handwriting, whether I have said enough, whether I should mention the gift again, and whether I have waited too long.

And then, once I have waited too long, it gets even harder.

I know I am not the only person who has done this.

Several years ago, I came across an old box of thank-you notes that I had written after my wedding. I had completely forgotten about them. When I opened the box, there they were—all written, addressed and stamped. They were ready to go to the post office.

Except I had never taken them.

By the time I found them, it had been at least a year since my wedding.

I was horrified.

And then I was embarrassed. How could I possibly send a thank-you note a year after the wedding? Surely it was too late. Surely the people who had given us those gifts had forgotten about them by then. I couldn't imagine putting those notes in the mailbox after so much time had passed, so I didn't.

I wish I had.

Looking back, I realize that I had allowed my fear of doing something imperfectly to keep me from doing something kind.

That is something I have had to learn about correspondence over the years. Sometimes we make the simple things much harder than they need to be.

It Doesn't Have to Be Perfect

A thank-you note does not have to be beautifully written. It doesn't have to fill an entire page, and it certainly doesn't have to sound like something from a nineteenth-century etiquette book.

It just needs to sound like you.

Thank the person. Tell them what you appreciated. If there is something specific about the gift, the visit, the dinner, the kindness or the experience that meant something to you, say so. That little bit of specificity is often what makes a note feel personal.

You don't have to search for the perfect phrase.

You just have to tell the truth.

And there is something wonderful about receiving a note that someone actually took the time to write by hand. In a world where most of our communication happens in a few quick taps on a phone, a handwritten note feels different. Someone had to stop what they were doing, sit down, pick up a pen and think about you.

That effort is part of the gift.

And What If You're Late?

This is the part I wish someone had told me years ago: late is better than never.

If you have a thank-you note that should have been mailed last week, mail it.

If it should have been mailed last month, mail it.

If you are looking at one that has been sitting on your desk for six months, please just put a stamp on it and send it.

You can acknowledge the delay if you want to, but you don't need to write a long apology. Something as simple as, "I have thought of you often and am sorry it has taken me so long to put my gratitude into words," is enough.

Then get on with the thank-you.

The purpose of a thank-you note is to express gratitude, not to prove that you are perfectly organized.

I think I needed to learn that.

Make Gratitude Part of Your Week

One of the things I am trying to do now is take some of the pressure out of correspondence by making it a regular part of my week.

Instead of waiting until I have a stack of notes that I "need" to write, I can simply write one note a week.

That's it.

One note.

Put it on the calendar. Pick a day that works for you. Keep your stationery and stamps together so you don't have to hunt for everything when the mood strikes. Make yourself a cup of coffee and write one note.

If you have several notes waiting, give yourself a little bigger goal. Write three a day until you are caught up.

Three isn't an overwhelming number. You can usually find fifteen or twenty minutes for three notes, and before you know it, that stack that has been bothering you is gone.

The point isn't to turn gratitude into another item on your to-do list. It is to make correspondence part of your life.

I actually think there is something lovely about having a regular correspondence day. It gives you a reason to sit down and think about the people in your life. Who have you been meaning to thank? Who have you been meaning to check on? Who did something kind for you that you haven't acknowledged?

Once you start paying attention, there are usually more people than you realize.

Keep a List

I also think it helps to keep a running list.

When someone gives you a gift, invites you into their home, sends flowers, helps you through a difficult week, celebrates something important with you or simply does something thoughtful, write their name down.

Don't depend on yourself to remember later.

I have learned that "I'll remember" is not a very reliable correspondence system.

A little list solves that problem.

And this is one of the reasons I love having an actual address book and places to keep notes about birthdays, anniversaries and the people I want to remember. It takes some of the mental work out of correspondence and leaves more room for the part that matters—the actual relationship.

A Thank-You Is a Small Thing

We sometimes think that the important gestures have to be big. A beautiful gift. An elaborate dinner. A grand celebration.

But sometimes the things people remember are much smaller.

A note that arrived in the mail.

A few sentences written in your own handwriting.

Someone taking the time to say, "I noticed. I appreciated it. I wanted you to know."

That is what a thank-you note really is.

It is a small act of attention.

And perhaps that is why I have come to appreciate them so much, even though I still occasionally dread writing them.

I still worry about getting the words right. I probably always will.

But now I know that the perfect thank-you note isn't the one with the perfect wording or the most beautiful handwriting. It is the one that actually gets written, put into an envelope and sent.

So if you have a stack of thank-you notes sitting somewhere right now, don't let them become my old wedding notes.

Pick one.

Write it.

Put a stamp on it.

And send it.

You can start again next week.